Continuing Readers: Please, page down past the brief introductory material.

New Readers: If you missed a previous part, youll find it elsewhere on this site or at NewsLaugh.com.

Heres the brief introduction to these remarkable notes, repeated for your convenience.

An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:

Hi, there. Hows life working out? Who am I? Thats for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.

"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.

"I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think Im a bit of humorist myself.

"Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because theyre all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.

"I thought Id start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we werent sure how to make it work.

"For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank.

"Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.

"Then the question became, should it feel good or not? Im happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we want you to like us.

"Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you'll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, light, people, other animals, plants, and details like gravity and magnetism.

"I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier.

"In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best, and I sure hope you like us for what we decided.

The Invention Of The Sky

Part Four Of The Invention Of Everything; An Eyewitness Account

Once we invented water, we realized that for rain to work right we had to have a place for it to go up into and fall back down from. We settled on a working name called the sky and set aside todays meeting to invent it. As usual, the CEO kicked off the discussion.

We seem to be moving in the right direction. So far weve got

He pointed to my notepad.

sex, land, and water, I recapped.

Good. So lets take up the sky. Any thoughts?

It cant be too heavy.

Why not?

Its going to be on top of everything else, isnt it?

Good point.

It shouldnt be too thick, either.

Why?

Getting around could be tough.

Agreed. But can we move on to what it should be?

Sure. Let's think about its functions.

As I noted in yesterdays meeting, we need a place for water to go up into and come back down from.

So all we need is a big empty space?

Dont jump to conclusions. You know I cant stand empty spaces. As soon as I see one, I have this irresistible urge to fill it up with something. And I'm not about to settle for part-time content like rain."

Good thinking, boss.

Well, thats kind of the inspiration for our whole agenda, isnt it? We decided that something is better than nothing.

Absolutely. How can nothing possibly compare with something?

Can we just move on with the matter at hand? Heres this enormous space, called the sky. What goes in it, I mean, besides rain traffic?

Well, lets think about the creatures we plan to invent. What could they use the sky for?

Excellent question. Here they are, alive. What do they need besides fresh water?

We have a concept called fresh air.

Air? Can you elaborate?

Sure. If theyre alive, they need all kinds of processes to keep them that way.

What are you thinking?

Were developing a laundry list. Ill share it with you in time. Right now, Im only prepared to discuss how being alive might relate to the sky.

Go ahead.

Well, what happens when any kind of process goes on?

You tell me.

You need energy to power it.

I wish there was a way around that but I cant think of any.

Dont tell me we need to hook everything up with wires?

No, no, were way past that. We only need wires to hook them up inside.

What are you calling that wiring?

The nervous system. Well also need tubes to transport fluids. But more about those things later. Right now, lets stick with energy.

OK, Ill bite. How does the creature get it?

Internal combustion.

Go on.

It takes in things, which were putting under the general heading of food, and burns it up.

Without catching on fire?

Right. Its a different kind of combustion. Totally flame-free.

Interesting. How does it work?

Oh, it takes a lot of chemical processes, which were fleshing out in the lab. The relevant thing, in terms of the sky, is what do we need in it to faciitate combustion?

I know that. Two of the atomic thingamajigs Oscar invented.

O2?

Right. So think about this. If we put it in the sky, they can get it from there.

How? They reach up?

No, no. We have this really innovative idea called breathing.

Breathing?

Yeah, its a way to get the fresh air into each and every creature.

Good. How do you manage that?

We plan to provide them with various means basically holes the O2 goes into and dedicated devices to get it to where its needed.

OK. So the O2 goes in. What happens next?

What else? It fuels the combustion.

Done. No point overworking the issue. Anything else to consider?

Well, theres an esthetic matter. Should breathing take a major effort or be something thats really easy?

As I see it, we cant very well tire them out while theyre trying to get something they need to keep from getting tired.

Right. Then they might give up on breathing.

Yikes. What would happen if they did that?

No fuel, no processes.

Thats a major downside. We better make O2 very easy to get.

I agree. So the O2 goes in easy as can be, and we have combustion. But, as the saying goes, what goes in must come out, right?

With certain exceptions."

So what comes out?

We figure a combo of Oscars O2s and Chucks atomic invention.

How so?

Chuck devised a really efficient way for his gizmo to hook up with the Os.

And so?

It comes out as Chuck One, plus Oscar Two.

Thats one C and two Os?

"Right. In a word, CO2.

Like it. An epiphany of efficiency.

So let me get this straight. The O2 goes in. We have combustion. Then the CO2 comes out.

You got it.

So far, so good. I endorse cycles, since they can go on and on, which fits with our overall plan, right?

Yep.

Hold it. I think we skipped a step.

What?

Where in the heck does the O2 come from?

Good point. We need a source.

Were thinking of a team effort.

In what sense?

Well, since the creatures need the O2, we need something to make it.

Any thoughts?

Of course. Do you think Id come to the meeting unprepared?

Sorry. Dont be so touchy, OK?

Ill try, but I expect you to show a little respect.

Can we just move on?

All right. Now, we figure the neatest setup would be if they take the CO2 the other creatures are producing and, come on, come on, think about it.

They turn it back into O2?

Right.

Brilliant. We have creatures who need O2 and turn it into CO2, and we have these other creatures walking around who take CO2 and turn it back into O2?

Right, except we figure that the ones that take in the CO2 and make the O2 wont be able to walk around.

Why not?

There might be disagreements. One half of the team could say, Look, we produce all the O2, which you need like breath itself. And the other half could come back with, Hey, we could say the same thing about the CO2. No need to set up a potential confrontation.

So the things that make the O2 just stand there?

Yeah. Or maybe wrap around a handy support item. The key thing is they wouldnt have movable feet. In fact, just to be on safe side, we dont even think they should talk.

They cant walk or talk?

No. Got a problem with that?

How happy can they be?

Depends on how we structure their needs. If they can satisfy them, no reason they cant be happy.

Fair enough. Are we talking about whats on land and in the water?

Essentially. But when it comes to water the things that produce the O2 could also float around, as long as they dont have feet or voices.

Got a name for this half of the team?

As a matter of fact, two names."

"I see you've really got a handle on this."

"Thanks. Theyre such an essential part of the plan we thought wed tie the nomenclature in with the word plan.

The way we did when we came up with planets?

Right. In fact, we took that word as our jumping-off point.

How so?

Since theyre not going to be everywhere, but only on planets that can support creatures, we thought, Why not just drop the e from planets?

So we get plants'?

Exactly.

Same thing goes for the ones on land and in the water, right?

Oh, for sure, I mean, for the ones that just standing there. But we thought it would only be right to give the things that float around a slightly different name.

What did you settle on?

Plankton.

Why that?

We figured thered be a ton of it, floating here and there.

I like it. Everybody for calling the part of the team that makes 02 plants and plankton, please raise your hands.

Plants and plankton they are.

So let's recap. We have the half of the team that that moves around taking in O2 and sending out CO2, right?

Right.

And the other half taking in the CO2 sending out the O2?

Yep.

Wow, what a beautiful dynamic.

Yeah. Back and forth, and everybodys alive and happy.

I only have one question.

What?

How can the things that make the O2 have a process if they dont start with O2?

Good question. Were giving them a slightly different approach. Basically, its a setup that lets them borrow combustion.

They borrow it?

Yeah.

Who from?

You mean, where from?

A mere technicality. Please, explain.

Theyll download it from the next thing we need to invent.

Whats that?

Dont you sense that something is missing?

I sense that a lot is still missing. I just dont know what part of the puzzle youre referring to.

Heres a hint. Weve got land here, water there, and the sky up here. The stage is set, except for?

Lights?

Right. We need stage lights? What else? Come on, come on.

I dunno. If I did, Id be in tech.

Heat.

Oh, right. We dont want the team to be cold, at least, not all the time.

No way. Theyd be miserable.

And we dont want that.

So we need light and heat.

How do we manage that?

Were thinking of overheads.

Overhead lighting?

Yeah. Also, heating.

All that, hanging up there? I dont know. This sky is starting to sound kind of busy to me.

Thats because youre not seeing it the way we are.

Go on.

Helen has a fantastic idea for her atomic brainstorm.

What?

Instead of just planets, we create these other agglomerations that produce heat and light.

One for heat, another for light?

No, no. The way we envision it, one does the work of two.

Great, if you can pull it off."

"But how? Just with Helens Hs.

That's the plan.

I say, go for it.

Will do.

How long do you think these agglomerations can do both things?

The way were thinking, for plenty long enough.

How so?

Helen, who, as you know, is a very outdoorsy type, who just loves to go fly fishing.

"I dont understand what that has to do with the longevity of heat and light."

One day when she was on the stream she had this idea that she calls fishin.

'Fishin?

Yeah. Its a process that makes heat and light with Hs for an incredibly long time.

Im fine on the process. But the name? Way too confusing.

Why?

Because fishin is done down in the water, and this happens up in the sky.

I pointed that out to her. But you know Helen. When she gets an idea, shes really hard to dissuade.

May I suggest a compromise?

Always.

Give her the sound she wants, but spell it differently.

Do you think shell go for that?

Give it a shot.

OK. Ill let you know.

I think weve gotten a little ahead of ourselves with all this discussion of heat and light. Lets get back to the sky. Anything we havent covered?

There is an important detail. It has to move around.

Why?

So it can take the water from one place and drop it on another place.

Makes sense. But how can the sky carry it around? I dont see something that light having arms, legs, and buckets, do you?

No way.

And it cant swim around with it, can it?

No.

Then how do you expect it to lug the water around?

What do walking and swimming have in common?

Go on.

Its all about the pressure principle. You press your foot down and the ground pushes you forward. You push the water to the side, and the water pushes you ahead. Action, reaction.

I dont understand how that applies to the sky?

Simple. Were going to make it so theres pressure up there that will fluctuate from one place to the next.

And?

It gets high in one place, and low in another place. So what happens? One kind of pressure is always pushing out or sucking in the other kind of pressure.

Hmm, what do you call such movement?

Were adapting the concept of winding up and winding down.

So you get?

Were just going with the first syllable.

Wind?

Right. But to avoid confusion with winding, we thought wed say it differently.

How?

Oh, the change is as light as the invention itself. We just moved in a short i for the long one and came up with wind.

Wind, as in the wind flows, sort of like how we decided water flows?

Almost. We thought wed give it its own word for movement, but we didn't want to go too far afield, so we went for a handy rhyme.

What?

Blows.

The wind blows?

Right.

And the water flows. I like that.

Sounds good."

"Thanks. Of course, sometimes the sky can pretty much just sit there. Picture this: movement and stability, perfectly joined?

I can see that.

I have a concern.

Go ahead.

"Light as it is, the sky is enormous. So it cant move too fast. Or it might blow all the land and water away.

We figure that most of the time it will blow gently.

Good.

But what about at other times?

Remember our variety principle and that you cant appreciate one thing without the other. Gentle wind, hard wind. But dont worry. We set limits.

Like what?

It wont blow all the land or water away at once. That we know for sure. But were still calibrating.

OK. Work on it. Anymore additions to the sky?

I know its moving. But I still don't see how its going to carry the water around? Its light, waters heavy. Frankly, I find the whole issue troubling.

We considered that apparent contradiction, but we quickly realized its not really a contradiction. All we had to do is make sure the sky has the right luggage.

This I cant wait to hear. Tell me about the luggage in the sky.

Remember I said we plan to make the rain out of itty-bitty pieces of H2O, so it can uperate. Sorry, I keep forgetting, evaporate.

Yeah?

We figure once they're up there the itty-bitty pieces can get together and make their own luggage.

Neato! How?

We went back to agglomeration.

Youre finding that concept very useful?

Yes, we are. You have a problem with that?

No, just pointing it out.

Trust me, we need all the workable principles we can get. Now, to return to the rain. The itty-bitty particles will agglomerate into luggage were calling clouds.

Clouds?

Its just our word for mounds in the sky.

Fine. So the itty-bitty water particles agglomerate, like dust, excuse me, atoms and molecules, agglomerate into what we call land? Only now theyre clouds.

Kind of, but, unlike land, the agglomeration proceeds in a much more diaphanous way."

"'Di-' what?"

"Lighter to you. So the clouds can still stay up there.

And move from place to place?

Right. Only when they agglomerate a certain amount of water, they let go and down it comes.

Neat. But not too much at once.

Well, no guarantees there. Remember our variety principle.

Just set some limits, OK? I dont want to see the whole thing were making get washed away.

Were in the same boat.

Good.

Esthetically speaking, got a color for clouds?

We think white when theyre light; then, as they get more H2O in them, since theyre heavier, theyll look darker.

Seems right. So when theyre darker, the creatures will be able to expect rain?

Frequently.

Why isnt anything with you ever just one thing or the other?

What? You want simplicity, too? Lets just get the universe right, OK?

Hes right. Anyway we can manage the task. Please, continue.

At other times, the dark clouds could just go somewhere else before they dump.

Excellent. Got a background color for all this cloud activity?

Not yet. It has to wait until we invent the lights.

Why?

Theyre kind of tied together.

In what way?

Oh, with what gets through and what doesnt.

I think were getting into tomorrows meeting.

Lets just stay with the sky a moment longer. Anything else to it?

Lots.

Like?

Well, for one, Nancy has a real contribution.

What, N? Im not sure about this practice of letting the people in tech name their inventions after themselves.

Why? We find it to be a great morale builder. And, given the amount of OT were putting in, we sure can use it.

Im in complete agreement. What to talk anymore about the N?"

Maybe at a later time. Before we call it a wrap, I do want to mention that we have an alternate name for the sky.

What?

Sometimes we call it the atmosphere.

Why that?

Well, the at part kind of stands for the atoms we put into it, and the sphere stands for how it kind of wraps around the land and water.

Could get a little cumbersome.

We thought about that. So for short we also decided to call it air. It comes from fair.

Fair? Why that?

When the sky is calm and clear, we decided to call that condition fair weather.

Oh, I see. Fair, air?

Right. We wanted to go witha name that accents the positive.

Excellent! I think that about does it. Were into detail work thats better off left to you people in the lab.

I couldnt agree more.

So next on the agenda, we need some bright thinking about heat and light. Good work and everybody have a nice evening.

So now we had the sky pretty much under control. I could see it now, sort of like beautiful wrapping paper for a planet. But bringing heat and light together into one thing. That really gave me something to exercise my noggin about.