Cereal Killers Must Be Stopped
 by: Tom Attea

The murderous maniacs just keep cropping up across the nation in one supermarket after another. They walk in, go straight to the cereal section and start to shoot at the cereal boxes. And they do it indiscriminately. It doesnt matter whether the cereal is Kelloggs Corn Flaks, Post Raisin Bran, or whatever. They just start shooting.

Then there are the even more ruthless cereal killers who break into kitchens during breakfast and start to shoot right at the bowls with the milk in it. They dont care whos eating the cereal or whether or not it has fresh fruit. The blueberries or bananas go flying with the grains.

What is happening to our value system? What has precipitated such anger?

Can it be that every one of these perverse killers lost his job at a egg farm or bacon factory and blames cereal? There appears to be a connection.

The latest cereal killer, who was nabbed by a swat team while he was attacking the cereal section of a Kroger with an assault rifle, confessed to police, Once I was a peaceful chicken farmer. I wouldnt even harm a bird. I just swiped their eggs. Then these health cranks convinced a lot of Americans that my eggs are bad for your health, because theres too much cholesterol in them. And slam, bam! There I was, my little farm replaced by big cereal. I couldnt stand it! I just lost it! But I do want to apologize to all the shoppers, mothers and children my rampage has startled.

His trial is scheduled to begin on Monday at breakfast time. He faces a possible term of life imprisonment with nothing to eat but cereal with plain milk.

About The Author Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

This article was posted on August 31, 2006