Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
 by: Tom Attea

(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the ninth installment; previous ones are presented on this site or at www.newslaugh.com below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)

I mean, I like you too much to go on.

You like me?

Yeah, a lot, he said, and exhaled big time. Boy, did I mess up.

I dont understand.

You really want to know?

Yes.

He swallowed hard and bolstered his constitution. I came here on a bet.

A bet?

Yeah.

What do you mean? she asked, and stood up.

That I could make it with you.

Well, I always knew thats what you were thinking, but I didnt know you made a bet about it. Thats really low.

I know. But at the time I didnt really know you. I just thought you were a ditz.

A ditz?

Well, you know, kind of weird. And I wanted to prove youre human like the rest of us.

Why?

It was just an ego thing. I feel terrible about it.

You do?

Yeah, he confided, it wasnt supposed to work out this way.

What way?

I just decided to lose the bet.

You did?

Yeah, I mean, here you are, this sweet, beautiful, intelligent girl, really devoted to your father and his whacky ideas, and all I can do is think what an ego trip it would be to make out with you.

And?

Now I know I was way off base.

You do?

Yeah. I like you too much as a person now.

Oh, she said.

I even like your crazy dad. He looked at her apologetically. I mean, I cant even imagine having sex with you now.

You cant?

Are you kidding with the way I like to make a girl come her guts out?

Come her she attempted to repeat but could not bring herself to complete the thought.

guts out, he repeated, to help her along. Its a male thing.

You dont just jump on her bones?

No. I pride myself on being a really thoughtful lover. I want both of us to have a great time.

You do?

Its a point of pride with me. Dont get me wrong. I can come five times a night, but when its over, I want us both to be lying there, completely satisfied. Wow, to me thats really physical bliss. It makes me feel even better than scoring a touchdown.

Really?

Yeah. I live for it. But now I cant even think of you, lying in my arms, naked and exhausted. I can only think of you as a person. He looked at her pleadingly. Can we still be friends?

That depends on how you feel when I make my confession.

He sat back. What confession?

The way Im made up.

Yeah?

And the way Im dressed?

Yeah?

And all those things I just said and did with you?

Yeah?

I was just trying to break you down.

No?

Yeah. To prove who you really are. I didnt feel anything else.

Nothing?

Not really. I was too upset.

Why?

Because I was convinced that you were here just to do the thing people like to do and do and do.

Wow, good thing I didnt give in.

I wish you had.

Yeah, Ill bet, he said sarcastically.

Because then I wouldnt feel the way I do about you.

What do you mean? he asked.

I like that you decided to lose the bet.

You should. It cost me fifty bucks.

Just for me?

Yeah.

She sat back down beside him, and said, Thats so sweet.

Yeah, for Eddie. He gets the big bucks.

But you get something, too.

What?

She put her hand back on his leg. Me.

What do you mean, babes?

I mean, now I think youre wonderful.

You do?

Yeah. And I think I like you.

Really?

A lot. How do you feel about that?

What do you think? he said, and rubbed her hair tenderly. But I still just want to be your friend.

Just my friend? she asked, with disappointment.

Got a problem with that?

Its just that no man ever said that to me before and meant it.

Maybe even your long-time friend.

You like me enough for that?

Yeah, he admitted. You OK with that?

I guess. I was just hoping

What?

That we could be even more than that.

You were?

Yeah. Like boyfriend and girlfriend.

You want to go with me, he asked, after what I did?

No, silly, because of what you didnt do.

Oh, he said.

But what if one day I cant resist and kiss you? Will you still like me?

I think so, she replied, and moved closer to him.

And if I hold you in my arms and tell you I love you, will we still be friends then?

More than friends, she breathed.

Really?

Much more, she said, and kissed him. Then she exclaimed, Oh, I cant believe how I feel about you!

Really?

Not at all. For the first time in my entire life, I feel attraction!

Attraction?

Yes, she said and kissed him tenderly. Which has already led to arousal.

But, Melanie, you know what arousal can lead to?

Sex! she said straight out, and threw her arms around him.

Sweetheart, youre getting carried away. Think of Mexico and Texaco.

Forget Mexico and Texaco! Im wild for you, she went on, and gave him the most passionate kiss he could have hoped for. I may even love you.

Love me?

Want you, need you the entire forbidden language. Make love to me. I need you to make love to me.

Whoa, he cautioned her, hold it.

Yes, yes, she said, and did.

I didnt mean that, Melanie," he commented, looking at her hand. "All my defenses are crumbling!

Mine, too, she said. I never felt this way about anyone. I want you to be the first man to make love to me.

You do?

I'm sick of being the campus virgin. I've been having my period since I was eleven, and tonight, ten years later, I want to do what my body says Im ready to do and do and so!

I cant Melanie.

Why?

Because I know tomorrow you'd regret it.

I wouldn't ever. Honest, Dan. I want you to be the first. My whole body is alive with desire for you!

Hey, Melanie, cool it! he said, and fended her off as convincingly as he could.

Come on, please, we can do it in my bed.

This is too much. I've got to go. You can't let your dad down like this. He loves you too much. And I don't want to let him down, either.

Oh, come on. Will you stop it? Think of it! After all my years of running away from guys, I want to be with you. I want you to make me a complete woman.

Wowser, Bowser, he said rather childishly. Talk about a tough practical exam. Ive got to go, Mel.

She held out her hand. No, take my hand. Lets go to my bedroom.

Not tonight, Mel. Maybe after were friends for a long time.

Please. I've waited all my life.

I can't take the responsibility.

What responsibility? I just want sex.

Dont say that, he told her, and earnestly continued, I mean, what hope is there for your dads principles if even you relent? Down comes everything he stands for. And everything youve lived for. I cant be responsible for that.

Dan, please!

Forget it, Mel! he insisted. Im sorry. I gotta get out of here.

He headed for the door, and she went after him.

Stay! Please, stay! Im so crazy about you! I love you! I want to have sex with you. I want to come my guts out!

No way, he said, as he continued across the living room. Im out of here.

He drew open the door and, to his surprise, he was confronted with Dr. Coburn and Dr. Ernst.

Bravo! Bravo! Dr. Coburn exclaimed, and quoted a brief selection to Dr. Ernst from Dans last words. Forget it, Mel! Did you hear that, Prissy? Then he gave a hearty laugh, and announced, I won! Admit it I won the bet!

The mention of the word bet had an unexpected effect on Dan and even seemed to stun Melanie.

I dont get it, Dan said. What bet?

End of Installment Nine

About The Author Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

This article was posted on August 21, 2006